My Bucket List

I’ve noticed something lately about myself that I’m not sure I like. I’m learning that when I am struggling with something, I develop emotional nearsightedness. By nature, I’m a planner. But when I’m struggling with a problem, I have a difficult time planning for the future. I get so focused on “How do I get through today?” that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. While I do believe in taking one day at a time, I also know there is value in looking ahead and knowing where you want to be at the end of the battle.
The other night, LP and I were enjoying a much needed night of doing absolutely nothing. We were watching TV, having a couple of beers, and mostly, just talking. Trying to catch up. Reconnecting. Battles like the ones we are fighting take so much energy that it’s easy to spend an entire day in one another’s presence without ever really connecting. We recognized that was happening to us and took a time out to put down our armor and just be together. We talked about everything and nothing. It was exactly what we needed.
I don’t even remember how it came up, but we started talking about our “bucket lists”. We all have one, rather it’s a written list we keep in a special place and constantly check off items and add items to, or rather it’s just a mental list of “I want to do this before I die”, it’s there.
As I starting listing items off, something clicked in me. I felt alive. Somehow, talking about the things I want to do before I die, awakened a desire to live and not merely survive. I had been so focused on just surviving day to day and getting through this battle that I had lost sight of where I want to be. I explained this to LP and told him that maybe my bucket list should be my next blog entry. He encouraged me to do it, so here it is.
My bucket list. In no particular order of importance. Some of the items are lofty, some are just silly little things. But every item is there for a reason.

1. I want to go to Ireland. My ancestry includes Irish blood, so part of my desire is a sense of “finding my roots”. But the other part comes from how beautiful and alive Ireland always looks in pictures. I want to stand in those fields of green and feel that sense of life all around me.
2. I want to go to Australia. I really can’t explain it, but I’ve harbored a fascination with Australia since I was about 10 years old.
3. I want to bungee jump…again. I have always been a little bit of a thrill seeker, an adrenaline junkie. I went bungee jumping the first time when I was 14. My grandma signed the permission slip, while threatening to skin me alive if I told my mom. At that point in my life, it was about the thrill. And about knowing I had the coolest grandma in the world and that we now had this awesome secret. (By the way, Grandma died when I was 20. My mom still doesn’t know our secret. So if you know my mom, keep this one quiet! LOL) But now my desire to bungee jump is driven by new motives. I’m a control freak. It’s not my best personality trait. For me, bungee jumping is about completely surrendering control. It’s the same with sky diving, so you can add that to the list, too.
4. I want my daughters to one day look in the mirror and see me looking back at them and think that’s a good thing. I remember the first time I saw my mom’s reflection in my mirror. It took me by surprise. I fought it at first. I changed my hair color. I changed the color of lipstick I wore. I did everything I could do to erase the similarities and change the reflection in the mirror. Now, ten years later, I’ve realized there are very few women I’d like more to be like than my mom. I want to be the kind of woman my girls will one day be proud to be like.
5. I want to be a “real” Private Investigator. Let me explain. In Illinois, you have to work under a licensed PI before you can test for your own license. So while I can legally work as a PI, I can’t work for myself until I’ve completed this “internship” and passed the test myself.
6. I want a Great Dane. I am completely in love with these amazing gentle giants.
7. I want a horse. (see #6)
8. I want to see the Mother Love wall in Seattle. In high school, I was a “grunge chick”. I would love to see where it started.
9. I want to see all of the landmarks that birthed and changed our country. The White House, Arlington, The Liberty Bell, Ground Zero, etc.
10. I want to learn some form of Martial Arts. I briefly took lessons in high school and I’ve always wanted to get back to it.
11. I want to share the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. I’ve met him, and we’re building the foundation.
12. I want to quit smoking. I’m working on it………….
13. I want to make love in the rain. Enough said. I thought about leaving this one off because it’s so personal, but then decided, “What the hell, it’s MY bucket list and I’m putting it on there.” 😉
14. I want to live a simple, self-sustaining life. I don’t require a showcase home, the newest car, or designer clothes. Happiness can’t be bought. It must be cultivated.
15. I want to give more than I receive. I owe so much of where I am and who I am to my family and friends and I hope that someday I can pay that back.
16. I want to write a book. This has been a goal since I was 13. Even if it’s never published, even if no one ever reads it, I want to say I’ve done it.
17. I want to earn a degree. I may be 50 before it happens, but I still want to do it.
18. I want to be able to help my children pay for college. My parents weren’t “poor”, but they also weren’t “rich”. They helped as much as they could, but I would love to be able to provide my children with the opportunities I didn’t have.
19. I want to put my feet in both the Atlantic and the Pacific Ocean. I’ve never seen either, other than from the air on my way to Alaska to see my sister who was stationed at Eilson, AFB.
20. I want to go to Italy. There is so much I’d love to see there.
21. I want to own my own business. Two actually. LP and I have dreams of owning our own business to support our family and I have dreams of co-owning a PI firm with my friend, colleague and mentor, Catherine.
22. I want to enter and place in a shooting competition. My skills are rather lacking now because I unfortunately haven’t set foot on a range in ages, but someday I’ll get back to it.
23. I want to be the kind of housekeeper my mom is. I think the housekeeping gene must skip a generation in my family. My grandma was a bit of a slob and a major pack rat. So am I. But my mom sees a speck of dust and declares that her house is filthy. She always knows where the scissors are. She never has to do a load of laundry at midnight just to make sure everyone in the family has clean underwear for the next day. I want to be like that.
24. I want to learn to quilt. My great grandma died when I was very young, so I don’t have many memories of her, but I do remember her sitting in her rocking chair sewing quilt squares. It’s such a beautiful, lost art and I would love to learn to do it.
25. I want to learn to grow flowers without killing them. I can grow vegetables. I had a very productive garden in a very small space at my old house, but for some reason, I kill flowers. Every. Single. Time.
26. I want to attend the “great rivalry games”. Bears vs. Packers, Cubs vs. Cardinals, Blues vs. Blackhawks. And of course I want the Bears, Cubs and Blues to win! 🙂
27. I want to raise a son who is a “real man”. I want my son to grow up knowing that trust must be earned, and that respect must be given before it’s received. I want him to understand that doing your best is more important than getting praise. I want him to be the type of man who will stand up for what is right, even if it means standing alone. And I want him to know that a “real man” is someone who loves with all his heart.

So there it is. My bucket list. There are other things that belong here, I’m sure. But this is it for now. I’m glad I did this entry. Sometimes we all need to look at our lives and say, “What am I striving towards?”.